Conflicts and Understandings..

Today, I did something wrong to pissed a colleague off so badly that she scolded me..

Yea.. I was shooting my mouth off again asking her to improve on some of her work-related professionalism..

I guess the ultimate sentence would be, "If I was the client and I see you, I won't give you the business"...

Yea.. And was scolded very badly and was told to reflect on my weaknesses..

Kept on apologizing but to no avail..

*sign*

Guess that I'm the ultimate bastard yar?

What I meant for good, people took it for bad.. Guess it's because of my lack of tact.. And I thought that she was someone who could take it.. Guess I was wrong..

To do self-reflection.. When have I stopped doing that? Not even once..

Looking back at my youth and now, I dare say that I've made a lot of significant changes..

If I say last time, I scolded a colleague in an open office concept where other departments can hear, and I scolded two managers before.. Who will believe???

A director once asked me why I don't take car license.. I replied saying that I was afraid of my hot temper, she didn't believed..

My major faults: A tongue of poison, directness, tactlessness, pride and egoism.. Yea.. Spent years trying to change and I believe I did improve..

But I guess that it was not enough as I offended her..

My life.. Has always been trying and trying to improve myself.. Just because of one verse, "To strive unto perfection.."

Likewise, I have hoped that my loved ones will improve and evolve to be stronger and stronger.. Intentions are good, but the lack of tactfulness I guess..

Looking back again.. In this aspect, I have improved also.. I used to be more merciless and really scold friends.. But I guess the improvement was still not enough..

But then again, I learnt another important lesson I guess..

Last night, a friend gave me some home baked cookies to try.. To me, it was already very good. But she said her friends who had tried previous batches all said it was totally not up to her standard..

And so, what's the lesson? People who do not know my past will not understand what I'm trying to do and say and will still judge based on the current me rather than comparing to my past as they do not know anything or have anything to compare with..

Just last year, I learnt how to praise, motivate and push people.. Though still quite raw, but am still learning.. I was never one who will encourage, praise and motivate people.. To me, it's more of do or die... But that's the past..

Self-reflection.. Do I not do it? I am nothing more than just a man limited by flesh and blood and an idiotic brain and heart.. I am nothing more than a tiny speck of dust in the universe that is not even noticable at all..

She also said, if I'm that good, I should go and do the job.. Seriously.. I'm not that good.. I just believe in training and improvement..

In accordance to Sun Zi's Art of War, each person has his role in the army.. It is structured in a way where it fully maximises each person's potential in accordance to age, strengths, weaknesses and skills..

Those who are good are trained into special strike forces..

Likewise, in every organization, I believe that a good general will train people to maximise their potential..

The general might be just a strategist but might not know every single job that well and that good. But the good general is able to provide good guidance and training to maximise the potential of his men..

I wanted her to excel.. Really.. My tactlessness again.. Think I too kaypoh ba..

The conclusion: I am still in the wrong.. I've seeked forgiveness and has not gained it yet.. If she was to hate and ignore me all her life, so be it I guess.. I only have myself to blame..

Of.... Babies...

Well, my nephew came in the afternoon..

Already 5 months since he first saw the light...

Yea.. Had a lot of fun with him... And he was like salivating all over me.. -__-"""

And sucking on me, pinching me, and making a big fuss when I'm not playing with him.. Haha..

Yea yea.. He did not cry this time round.. My favourite nephew as of now.. Wahahaa..

I saw him today, and realised something.. I took out my baby photos to do a comparison... Gosh.. He does look a lot like me when I was still a baby.. Wahahaha..

But of course, he has sharper features and more handsome I guess.. But the similarity is there loh..

Just carried him in front of my desktop and let him listen to Mandarin and Jap Anime songs.. Hahaha...

Then, I ALMOST did something evil.. He keeps wanting to bite things, so I asked him, "You want this???" and showed him the packet.. The packet of cigs.. Wahaahha..

But no lah.. I did NOT feed it to him.. I may be mad, but still has some logical sense in me..

Hahaha.. I'm the evil uncle...

Gosh.. I simply love babies!~! Who will be the one to help me to have one??? I don't really mind if my future baby is a male or female..

Actually.. Hmm.. If my child is a male, he's gonna have a tough time.. Independence training.. Wahaahaha..

If it's a SHE, then she's gonna be my little princess.. Favouritism?? I don't think so wor.. Guys supposed to be strong to take care of their own family in future loh.. No weakling males in my family.. Wahahaha...

Who is and will be the one???

Realization and Enlightenment..

Just realised..

1) There is nothing new under the sun..

2) The heart confuses the mind..

Stepping back to look at things today.. Realised that I lost myself... But finally, I saw and realised and know...

Yea.. I was stupid and blind then.. The heart always confuses me..

Good thing I finally saw the Light.. And I think I know what I can do, and should do...

To Ah Hau: Nope.. It's not making any choices as yet.. Hahaaha.. But I guess it's part of it.. :p

Weekends!~!

Yesterday and today was quite eventful for me..

Yesterday, had dinner with ex-colleagues again.. Had Asian Kitchen before having mudpies for dessert.. Haha

After that, went to meet Ah Hau at Timbre again.. Found a place where we can sit and smoke..

Finally.. After so long.. It's such a nice feeling to be able to sit down, enjoy the music, drink and smoke.. Ahahaha...

Chatted a bit on our love life... Then he told me something like if I make the wrong choice, he will not forgive me, ever.. -__-"""

But then again, I totally enjoyed myself last night.. Plus all the stupid sms-es.. Don't know if the sms-es were just in time or what... Hopefully it was ba..

Today, just slack at home.. Went out to have supper with a friend.. The all time favourite Geylang's frog porridge.. Wahahaha..

And then, we walked home.. -__-"""

Yea.. First time I walked home with my friend from Geylang.. And my legs were aching from climbing 33 storeys from yesterday's fire drill.. Hahahaha...

Last of all.. I hope and pray that she'll recover soon... *Haiz*

Sometimes, I just feel helpless in not able to do anything..

Sianzelogy..

Macross Love Songs...

Macross Frontier... Quite a nice anime..

The storyline, as always, remains similar to the first Macross..

One guy who loves 2 gals..

And the battle scenes are always accompanied with great songs..

Diamond Crevasse - Battle Version



Ending Version



Lyrics

When I was still in love with god,
I never expected such a farewell would come.
If I had known I could never feel your touch again,
I would've hoped to be embraced just one last time.

It's long long good-bye...

Goodbye, goodbye, so many times,
I repeated the word to myself,
Waving my hands. It's only graceful, right?
Now, I long to be stronger.

I met you, the stars sparkled, and I was born.
I love you, therefore I am.
What good is waiting for a hopeless miracle?
Through my tear-filled vision, the planet's twinkle is gone...

I can't ever forget your warmth,
Your kindness, and your all-encompassing hands.
It's long long good-bye

Goodbye, goodbye, my beloved.
I came this far because you were here.
I wasn't alone, was I?
Now, I long for answers.

Catch a falling star that looks ablazed and light a fire,
I still want to love, and I still want to be loved.
What good is a lone freezing body to this world?
I long for you to finally drop your act...

What's wrong? Why can't I stop my tears from overflowing?

I met you, the stars sparkled, and I was born.
I love you, therefore I am.
What good is waiting for a hopeless miracle?
Through my tear-filled vision, the planet's twinkle is gone...

If we are reincarnated and can meet again some day,
Please find me and hold me tight,
And make sure you don't let go again.
I wish the planet would whisper to me that I'm not alone...

Do you Remember Love - first Macross movie theme



Right now, I hear your voice
saying "Come here to me."
Just when it seemed sadness is about to overcome me.
Right now, I see you your figure walking over to me.
As I wait with my eyes closed.

Until yesterday became now
My heart that was louded with tears

Chorus

Do you remember that moment when our eyes first met
Do you remember that moment when our hands first touched
It was the first glow of love between us
I love you so

2nd Part
Now I can see your eyes
Even if we are far apart
Now I believe in your love
Although you are far away, please protect me

Until yesterday
My world was clouded with tears

(Chorus)

One of my all time favourite.. Haha..

*haiz*

Good & Bad Day...

Yesterday was a good and bad day for me..

It started out good as I went for Jet's one month birthday celebration...

Man.. It was good.. Met up some old friends and had a good lunch...

After that, me and another friend just slack at his house...

At one time, I carried the baby and pat him to sleep.. Talk about bliss... Too bad he's not my own baby.. Haha..

Gosh.. I do love kids!~! Too bad he isn't mine.. Hahaha...

After that, we had a mahjong session.. Was interupted a few times by the baby.. But we were fine with it...

There was this one time where the father held the kid and the baby suddenly keep crying.. As the father draws the tiles, he was like getting "ka deo and kang" with every single draw...

-__-"""

Anyway, I ended up losing money and things go downhill from there.. I didn't really mind losing the money.. Not a lot.. Haha..

Then, me and my friend just walked home.. We lived nearby one another anyway.. After my friend reached his block and I was alone, I received an sms..

Initially I was like, -__-""... The one who just went up to his house sms me for what?? Cause I dun think anyone will sms me like 3am in the morning.. Haha..

But no.. It was from Her.. The ultimate truth...

To summarise, I got rejected in a "soft" way..

Feeling pissed off also.. At a guy who treats gals like toys..

Also hurting inside that she was so hurt before...

*Haiz*.. Anyway, I just told her to think it through properly again.. Cos I know I won't do that kinda things to a gal, especially to the one I love, and I am already a grown up man, not a boy anymore..

Yea.. I hope to make a difference in her life and mend her wounds through time.. It's jsut a matter of whether she lets me into her world or not..

Through gentleness, kindness, concern and love..

People like to say.. "She is mine.."

I prefer to say.. "You are mine and I am yours.."

"Let me take your hand and lead you through the valley of darkness and pain..."

Past and Future..

Was talking with my ex yesterday afternoon over msn..

Me: "I don't flirt with the gals in the pubs.."

She: " Yes you will..."

Me: "I swear upon my pride and honour that I never flirted with any of the gals in the pubs while you were still with me..."

She: "You don't give a sense of security.. But I let my bf go.."

-__-"""

Haha.. We wasn't quarrelling lah.. Just a discussion.. Haha..

Anyway it ended with:

Me: "Nvm lah.. That's the past.. I've tried my best.. Haha"

She: "Yar.."

*Sign*.. I don't know what's wrong with me.. I tried to maintain high morality and faithfulness, and yet, this sort of thing can happen.. And I only went pub to meet up with friends like only once every 3 to 4 months.. Every other single day and weekends were spent with her...

I really playboy meh?? I don't think so leh.. Sianz...

After my last relationship, I guess I became more careful and also became skeptical of myself.. It's the feeling of like wanting something, but scare of it... But it's not the fault of my ex lah.. Guess that both of us were still immatured at that time.. In our youth.. Haha..

But then again, I'm a fighter.. Never say diez.. Try and try and try again till I get it right.. Hahaha...

I'll definitely work super hard at the next relationship.. "Zetai" (Jap for "Definitely", but dunno if I spell it correctly.. wahahaha..)

Bankai!~!

Inpromptu..

Haiz.. Yet another friend has commented that my post on "The Greatest Fool" has affected him.. -__-""

Received request to put up a tagboard for them to bomb.. So ok.. Please look to the right side of this blog for the "bombing".. Hahaha...

Hmmm... A few days ago, a colleague of mine was commenting on my Virgo traits.. -__-""

She's from another department but we live nearby, so I often talk with her.. The admin side are just wondering and wondering why I'm so close to her while I don't really bother with them..

Well, sometimes when I walk past, I'll ask her whether she had lunch, going home or feeling better or not.. Cause she has a weak body.. So, I'm just showing some concern..

Well, we discussed this matter while on our way back a few days ago..

To summarise, she said Virgos only allow some certain people into their world while keeping and shutting others out totally...

And she says that I'm like that.. -__-"""

Well, I guess there's some truths in there.. Yea.. I do let some people in, and reject others out totally..

I think one of the limits will be my pride.. Haha.. For someone who is new to me, if he/she oversteps my boundaries and hurt my pride, he/she will be totally rejected out of my world forever..

And there are some other restrictions also lah.. But of course, if I'm interested in the gal, I'll let it pass by me.. Hahahaha...

Hey, I may talk rubbish and crap a lot.. But doesn't mean that I'll let myself be insulted...

Yea yea.. I still have a lot of Virgo and Monkey in me...

Ok.. I guess that from the previous few postings, friends would have deduced that I fell in love again..

This time round, with a colleague from my current company.. Well, everything's still in grey area..

I'm actually feeling quite sianz.. Seems like I do not have any fate with the word "love''..

Or maybe it's just my character.. Tend to be crazy, talk too much rubbish, not serious, critical etc etc..

And imagine.. A Virgo meets love and becomes totally confused and stupid, which is not in-line with a Virgo's character..

Yea yea.. I'm feeling a bit tired, pissed off at this love thingy..

Seems like if I'm being myself, I can attract gals (whom I have no feelings for) easily.. If I fall in love, I'm totally not myself and will become stupid and end up losing everything..

Sianzelogy...

Just maybe, someday, this Virgo will totally reject love out of his world forever... But then again, I think it'll be quite impossible as Virgos are made for intimate love.. Haha..

Intimate Love.. Yea.. I'm not those kind who will openly express myself in public of my love.. Rather, I prefer to be in a world where only both me and my future partner exists and express my romance and love through there...

Actually, I think I'm quite easy-going with the one I love.. I don't expect too much.. I just want her to be herself in front of me.. Don't need to put on a mask or act..

Well, in actual fact, my love would be as what was written since ancient times..

"Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boost.." etc etc...

Haha..

Sianz.. Feeling light-headed now... Thought too much stupid things last night..

Freaky-ology..

What Really Affects...

Hmmm.. Just read a friend's post.. Didn't know my last posting on the "Greatest Fool" affect him so much.. My bad.. And I was just talking and critisizing about myself.. Haha..

Well, I guess my issues are still unresolved.. Still feeling lost.. Still dunno anything.. Still doing nothing and still remaining as the Greatest Fool...

All because of a stupid "big-heartedness" of saying,"I understand and I won't force or push you.. Just hope that you'll one day know that I am different from the little boys you had.."

-__-"""

Also read another friend's blog just now.. About not knowing how to love, is unable to give, cannot take failure..

I guess I'm in a similar boat.. I also don't know if I can make it at all in love.. But all I know is if I don't try, it'll leave regrets in my latter life..

Yea.. I'm someone who yearns for love and yet, maintain a careful stance and is careful in my selection.. So careful that I'm single for years..

In market research terms, my "incident rate" is zero as of now.. Haha..

And I guess I'll continue to be the greatest fool for now.. Till that woman gives me an answer, I will stick around for a while..

Till she gives me an answer, I will not move on..

Yea.. Directions might change in the future depending on her answer...

But I don't think my friends will worry for me.. Since I recover and pick myself up easily.. Haha...

But as of now, my heart is still shivering and feeling lost.. Yea.. I don't have this feeling for quite some time already and thought that my heart has died.. Haha..

Hope that woman will give me an answer soon...

Definitions and Knighthood...

Definition of Hime:

Someone to love, serve, protect and to be with for all eternity.. With a simple wish for her to be happy and stay happy always...

Definition of Relationship:

To sacrifice time and energy to be with the partner (Might not be the one I'll love the most..)

Definition of a Relationship with a Hime:

To love, serve, protect with all my heart, soul, mind and might to the point of giving it all and yet expecting nothing in return but her love... (Hime is the one whom I will love most..)

As friends will know.. I don't really anyhow call gals Hime even though I may be very nice to them.. Haha..

And I've come to a decision that for my next relationship, I'll give it my all, do my best and give her all the love in the world...

One heart, one mind, one soul, one life for Hime-sama... The honour and pride of the knights...

Haha...

The Greatest Fool...

The greatest fool... Is the one who tries to reject the one he loves even before anything was started..

The greatest fool.. Is the one who tries to reject love and yet is unable to control, and yet tries to control...

The greatest fool.. Is the one who keeps on trying and trying even when it seems like rejection and in the meantime, fights battles after battle between the heart and the mind..

The greatest fool.. Is the one who tries to reject love, acts nonchalent and yet, keeps getting sad at knowing things...

The greatest fool.. Is the one who thinks he knows, but ends up knowing nothing, doing nothing and getting lost..

The greatest fool.. Is the one who asks, and then wishes to be rejected outright so as to minimize the hurt..

The greatest fool.. Is the one who keeps everything inside, thinks too much and ends up losing everything...

Yea.. I am that fool..

I really don't know anything anymore....

Sat Nite Chill Out

At about 10+ last night, a good old friend messaged me, "Bored"..

Haha.. So begin the almost endless chain of sms-ing about what to do and where to do..

In the end, we settled to meet up first and to go to Boat Quay to scout around..

Took a cab down and started walking down the stretch.. Somehow, I feel so totally out of place there... Age-wise and fashion-sense I guess.. Haha..

At 12am, we ended up sitting in Timbre..

Had a few bottles of drink, had some chat and enjoyed the music there...

It's a good thing that we finally found a place we both enjoyed after so many years.. Haha

Yap.. We decided to make it our chilling out haunt next time.. Drinks are a bit expensive compare to other places, but who cares if we enjoy ourselves right??? Haha..

Boss or Balls???

Been out for the past week... Super sick... Even had blood in my phlegm..

But at least felt better today already... I really hate the dentist!~!

My brain never stops thinking.. Really..

Really wonder what I want to achieve out of life.. Not that I am not enjoying my current position.. But seriously.. How long can a low level job keep me??? Nope.. I'm not thinking of leaving as yet...

Was talking to my bro this morning on msn on our current jobs and becoming bosses.. Haha..

I was also thinking.. Current jobs out there don't excite me at all.. Been here and there... What's left for my career???

Even something that I thought might excite me, failed miserably.. Like what my bro said, "Consultant = To Con and Insult"... Wahaha.. At least I think that's the case for the industry I'm currently in...

Think and think.. Only leaving my two ultimate options. To be a boss or be a Warren Buffett wannabe.. Hahaha..

Let me slowly think first ba.. Must wait for opportunity...

Yea yea.. I am still being indecisive on some things.. Wonder what happened to me.. Business decisions and social decisions are quickly made... But... In other areas, I think I failed very miserably...

So for now, I think I'll stay on the project team.. Haha...